I took a while to get back to our adoption story. Our infertility journey is easier to tell since the only two involved are Denton and me. The next part of the story involves four other lives, five including their older sister…it needs to be told tenderly.
I made a decision, I’ll tell our adoption story to the point when we met our kiddos. Then I’ll follow with a letter to each of my kiddos. Pieces of our journey, but not details…ultimately they each have their own piece of our adoption story.
Honestly, we tried looking into adoption early in our infertility journey. Living in Paradise, California we attended an orientation with Butte County. A social worker completed an initial home visit and informed us we should return after we completed our IVF journey.
Adoption Agency Search
A few years later, after four unsuccessful rounds of IVF (read the whole story here), we interviewed a few agencies; several specialized in baby adoptions. We knew we wanted slightly older kiddos. Our search led to Family Connections Christian Adoptions (FCCA).
FCAA has multiple important requirements: a particular amount of continuing education in their San Luis Obispo office learning Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI); and book reports on one of our three go-to books The Connected Child , which provides invaluable support. Additionally, we met another couple going through the process and remain close friends.
Adoptive Waiting Family
Course work completed…check. Home inspection…check. Now we became a “waiting family.” Did you see the movie Instant Family? It is based on the true story of the writer and director and is amazingly close to our truth. Minus the fire, teenager in the family, and birth mother involvement we experienced it all. Since our adoption didn’t finalize until after the film’s release…we saw it on premiere night…the fears and tears were real.
Child Search
Our status changed to a waiting family in February/March 2018. I remember sitting in a room with large three-ring binders filled with waiting children. The agency provided a 4×5 index card for the names of children we were interested in hearing more about. Your approval is very specific…the Gruzensky’s are approved for two to four children up to age ten. There is an index list leading into each California County’s section. It means we had the ability to NOT look into the eyes of each and every expectantly hopeful child. Yet, I cry as I write.
I would rescue every animal without a home, imagine my heartbreak looking at these kiddos. Our social worker encouraged us to read each and every profile thoroughly…do not skim through behavior and health issues. “Please remember you are taking on a sibling set, kids from difficult places have special emotional needs, we advise you to not additionally take on physical impairments as well.” As a Nurse Practitioner, I can manage health issues and felt guilty but headed the advice of our social worker.
Speed Dating with Social Workers
We sent inquires on a few of the children, only to learn they found homes prior to our search, family members took on a few, and others our social worker just never heard back from their social workers. When the opportunity came to meet a few social workers face to face we took time off work to be there.
Laugh at the title for this section, but it describes the experience perfectly. The photo at the beginning of the post is our waiting family “business card” (my nickname for it). It accompanies any child inquiries. At this event, social workers set up tables and waiting families wait in line.
You reach the front of the line and you give your “elevator pitch.” We hand over a copy of our family business card and say, “hello we are the Gruzensky family, we are looking to adopt a sibling set and are approved for two to four children ages zero to ten.” Take a deep breath and wait. Do they have children matching your criteria/approval? We met Fresno county’s lead social worker. She had a sibling set we’d inquired about months before but had never heard back. She immediately called their social worker but again did not hear back that day. We never did hear from their office about those kiddos.
Finding Our Forever Family
Bend, Oregon, August 2018. It has now been six months. We receive a call from our social worker saying Fresno’s lead social worker called about another sibling set. There are three boys and a girl ages one, two, three, and four…are we interested in starting the process? We said yes and in less than a week found ourselves sitting in Fresno County’s Office of Social Services. Four LARGE stacks of records, our social worker, the kiddo’s social worker, and several others from the Fresno office sitting around a large conference table.
The first piece of their files includes the legal status of their cases. In other words, how close are they to being available for adoption? The kiddos social worker then goes into detail about their surrender and fostering status. The meeting happened on a Friday, they ask us to take their medical files home, review them in detail and let our social worker know by Monday if we are interested in meeting them. If yes, plan to meet them the following Friday.
We Said Yes
There are multiple times you say yes to move forward in the process. I already mentioned one. Another yes was the following Monday agreeing to the first meeting. We prepared, creating a basket with activities to play together, and continued praying.
We sat in the waiting room the following Friday and heard screaming coming from just outside. Four small children approached with two adults, one child being dragged into the office. The hour we were together was VERY BUSY. Five adults playing/managing four kiddos. As we left our social worker asked, “what do you think, are you willing to move forward”? We asked, “you mean the social workers have not written us off as incapable of caring for four kiddos?” Our social worker, the kiddos’ social worker, and we all said yes.
Of note, just before our adoption, during our last visit with the kiddos’ social worker, she said “do you want to know my feelings after that first visit…I thought I might have lost a wonderful family for my kiddos.”
Challenging Parenting References
Just in case you wondered which references we use: The Connected Child, No-Drama Discipline, and The Whole-Brain Child